1
00:00:00,999 --> 00:00:06,299
2
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:16,527
Have a seat.
3
00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:20,285
And what can we do for you today?
4
00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,204
Er, just over the last couple of weeks,
5
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:26,329
I've been getting
quite a lot of intense shoulder pain.
6
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:31,684
I mean, I've no' injured it or anything.
It just started itself.
7
00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:33,649
OK. Well...
8
00:00:33,720 --> 00:00:36,087
let's fire up the Google
and we'll take a look.
9
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,809
Shoulder...pain...
10
00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,484
enter.
11
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:46,168
Well, there's far too many results here to
tell if it could be anything really bad.
12
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:48,527
We'll have to narrow
it down a little bit.
13
00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,523
Do you want me to add the old, erm...?
14
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,931
- C-word?
- Yep.
15
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:52,967
- Aye.
- OK.
16
00:00:53,040 --> 00:00:55,566
Shoulder...pain...
17
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,041
agony...
18
00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,043
cancer...death.
19
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:05,447
I'd like you to sit down.
20
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,086
I am.
21
00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:10,561
I'm afraid I have some...bad news.
22
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,690
Your sore shoulder returns
over half a million results
23
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,524
of terminal illness on Google.
24
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,331
How long have I got left?
25
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:23,802
It's difficult to say.
What I would say is this...
26
00:01:23,880 --> 00:01:27,646
go home, gather your loved ones
around you on Facebook,
27
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:30,485
make sure you have all your affairs
in order, you know,
28
00:01:30,560 --> 00:01:31,766
such as your broadband bills.
29
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,448
Hiya, my name's Kelly McGlade.
30
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:50,684
I'm a bit pissed off actually, cos I've got
to go doon to that Burnistoun Herald
31
00:01:50,760 --> 00:01:52,171
to do an interview all aboot me,
32
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,720
and they want me to bring
my two band mates as well.
33
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,167
Pair of wee toilet brushes wi' tits.
34
00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,528
Ugh...
35
00:02:07,600 --> 00:02:10,888
Look at yous! This is for a newspaper.
36
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,564
This is big time.
37
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:14,290
Look at the way yous have turned up.
38
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:18,331
Carly, you look a total shambles.
39
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,404
Claes everywhere.
You look like the flair in TK Maxx.
40
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:26,525
- Emma, what colour are thae tights?
- Caramel.
41
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,204
They look like American Tan.
42
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:35,649
I mean, look at me.
43
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:39,884
I'm magnificent.
Yous are just crampin' my style again.
44
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:41,849
Sorry, Kelly.
45
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:47,131
Right.
46
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,440
Let's get started.
47
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:52,841
So, how did yous all meet?
48
00:02:52,920 --> 00:02:53,967
Shh!
49
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,691
We all met at Burnistoun Academy.
50
00:02:56,760 --> 00:03:00,651
Carly and Emma were dead unpopular,
a couple o' wee nothings.
51
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,724
I felt sorry for them so I paid
52
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,962
Smelly Davey McGroggan
and big Joe Hood
53
00:03:06,040 --> 00:03:07,804
a packet o' Space Raiders each
to get aff wi' them.
54
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:11,680
To this day, every time I make love,
55
00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,445
I can smell pickled onion.
56
00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,444
Er, before you turn on the waterworks,
57
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,682
it was beef Space Raiders
I bought them.
58
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:22,366
You smell pickled onion,
cos you're always...
59
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:25,364
"making love"
roon' the back o' the chippy.
60
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,641
And...why did yous all decide
to form a band?
61
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:33,927
Cos that's oor way
o' gettin' oot o' Burnistoun.
62
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,163
I mean, this place is a shithole.
And you can quote me on that
63
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:41,768
and underline it and put it
in Italians as well, if you want to.
64
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,047
- Italics.
- Excuse me?
65
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:48,045
You said Italians. Put it in Italians.
You meant italics.
66
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,804
I did not say Italians.
67
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,041
You think I'm stupit?
68
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:58,088
No. No, it's fine.
69
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,925
You did say it, but...
Just a wee slip o' the tongue.
70
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,048
Slip o' the tongue?!
71
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,283
I'll take you to the Burnistoun Butcher
and slip your tongue into a meat slicer
72
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:09,011
so you can take it hame for your wife
and she can put it in her pieces.
73
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:10,764
Bet she gets mair
pleasure oot your tongue
74
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,729
that way than any way
you've intended ower the years.
75
00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:13,847
Kelly!
76
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:16,446
Did I say Italians?
77
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,930
Naw.
78
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,330
Is that it started?
79
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:28,041
Newspapers misquoting me,
trying tae tear me doon?
80
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,730
Tear ye doon?
81
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:32,370
Nobody even knows who ye are.
82
00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:35,809
Excuse me?
83
00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:41,129
Naebody knows who Kelly McGlade is?
84
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:43,123
See when I'm hangin' aboot
85
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,568
on the East Coast o' LA
wi' Britney and Sierra,
86
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,085
gettin' oot o' motors
with nae knickers on,
87
00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,527
the closest the Burnistoun Herald
will get to me
88
00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,924
is if I fly a black pudding supper ower
in my private jet for me and Lady Gaga
89
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,001
and your paper's wrapped roon' it.
90
00:04:56,080 --> 00:05:00,847
You should just be happy I'm even blessing
you with my presence here the day,
91
00:05:00,920 --> 00:05:02,729
before I blow up big time.
92
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:08,170
Aye. Well, it's cos o' all thae suppers you
eat you're blown up this much already.
93
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,009
Excuse me?
94
00:05:12,280 --> 00:05:14,647
That's it. Leather him!
95
00:05:14,720 --> 00:05:15,846
What?
96
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:17,160
You heard.
97
00:05:17,240 --> 00:05:18,810
Are we a band or no'? Leather him.
98
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,360
Ah...aya!
99
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:27,687
Oh, here, I don't want to misquote you.
100
00:05:27,760 --> 00:05:29,330
Was that "Ah-aya"
101
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:31,687
or "Ayah ah ahya"?
102
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:47,087
All right, mate?
103
00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,447
This'll only take a minute
of your time, mate, nae bother.
104
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:50,760
Is this your hoose?
105
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:52,410
Aye.
106
00:05:52,480 --> 00:05:55,962
I know how it is, mate,
havin' a hoose and that. Usual story.
107
00:05:56,040 --> 00:05:58,042
This'll only take a few minutes
of your time, mate.
108
00:05:58,120 --> 00:05:59,929
- Do you live yersel?
- No.
109
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,889
- Married?
- Aye.
110
00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:04,884
Tell me about it, mate -
married and that.
111
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,884
Gettin' married to a woman -
same old, same old.
112
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,406
This'll only take five minutes
of your time, pal. Any children?
113
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:11,561
Aye, two.
114
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:15,201
Two weans, mate? Oh. Bet you're
used to that by noo, mate, eh?
115
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:16,645
Havin' two weans and that.
116
00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:19,803
I'm much like that mysel, mate,
whatever it is, usual story.
117
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,166
Worth it, but, in't it, mate?
118
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:24,323
Worth it. This'll only take
ten minutes of your time, pal.
119
00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:26,129
What is this?
120
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,964
Oh, we're just in the area, mate.
121
00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:29,121
Just going roon' daein' it the day,
122
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:31,089
thought we'd jump in,
get people signed up.
123
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,731
Saves time at the other end,
you know, mate? Any pets?
124
00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,131
No.
125
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,167
Nae pets, mate?
126
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,969
Me neither, mate, nae danger.
127
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:41,328
I don't mean to be cheeky or anything,
but what is this for exactly?
128
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,085
Oh, sorry, mate, that's my fault.
Should have shown you my ID.
129
00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:45,127
There we go, mate.
130
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:47,929
There you go, there's my ID there.
131
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:50,207
There's the proof
it's all above board and that, right.
132
00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:52,328
This'll only take
an hour of your time, pal.
133
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,289
Have you bought a dishwasher
134
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,362
or got any new windaes
or had your roof fixed
135
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:59,523
or had an illness or been oot the country
or got a divorce or been to the cinema
136
00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,284
or had a phone fitted or been online
137
00:07:01,360 --> 00:07:03,966
or signed up to a satellite TV service
recently, mate?
138
00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,327
That's all the one question there,
by the way.
139
00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,084
Erm...
140
00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:10,049
Just an aye or no, mate.
141
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,283
- Well, I did...
- It's just an aye-or-no wan, mate.
142
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:15,886
- Just a tick in wan box or the other, no?
- No, then.
143
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,122
But you've got a satellite dish outside.
144
00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,281
Well, tick yes, then.
145
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:22,842
Nae bother, mate.
What did you go and see at the pictures?
146
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:24,729
I havenae been to the pictures.
147
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,121
Mate, you told me to tick yes!
148
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,443
I'm going to have to go back to
the start, dae all that again.
149
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,485
Right, I'm sorry, mate, right.
150
00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:35,767
It's my fault, right.
Don't even mention it.
151
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,649
We've all been there, ain't we, mate?
Usual story.
152
00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,963
This'll only take two hours of your
time, pal. This your hoose?
153
00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:51,242
Right, mate. This'll only
take 7,000 years o' your time.
154
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:53,766
- Stilt Man?!
- Yeah.
155
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,047
Stilt Man's an obscure villain?!
156
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,691
Yes. Who's ever heard of Stilt Man?
157
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,240
Yeah, he was only one of Daredevil's
first enemies.
158
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:04,164
And he appeared in Frank Miller's
first Daredevil run,
159
00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:07,528
which is like, one of the most
famous comic runs of all time.
160
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:12,128
Miller's Daredevil was a long time ago.
He is obscure.
161
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,488
He might not be famous,
but he's far from obscure.
162
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,688
Oh! Can yous no' read or somethin'?
163
00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:19,171
"Nae heated debates
164
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,208
"on the levels of obscurity
of supervillains
165
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:22,725
"in the Marvel Universe allowed."
166
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:24,131
Yous are barred!
167
00:08:26,760 --> 00:08:29,809
Hello, everybody. How was your week?
168
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,370
Oh, amazin'!
169
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:36,446
Well, we have a new member
of Sarcasmaholics Anonymous this week.
170
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:41,010
Perhaps you'd like to
introduce yourself.
171
00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:42,923
Yep. Hi, everybody.
172
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:49,161
My name's Scott and...
and I'm a sarcasmaholic.
173
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,607
Naw!
174
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:53,011
Naw, I am. I am.
175
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:57,085
I've finally admitted it to myself -
I've got a sarcasm problem.
176
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,970
Well, Scott, I'm sure we're all
177
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:03,761
really, really looking forward
to hearing your story.
178
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,490
Well, thanks for...
179
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:07,085
Sorry, was that sarcasm?
180
00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:10,369
Sarcasm? No!
181
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,169
Are you a sarcasmaholic yourself?
182
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,402
Naw, naw, naw,
I just help mediate the group.
183
00:09:14,480 --> 00:09:17,689
- OK.
- I just gie up every Tuesday night
184
00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:20,445
of my life to help these screw-ups
for the good of my health.
185
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,488
Aye, all right,
there's nae need to be sarcastic.
186
00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,246
- I mean, that was sarcasm, wasn't it?
- Really?
187
00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:29,051
- Aye, definitely.
- Sarcasm?
188
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,929
At a Sarcasmaholics meetin'?
189
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,970
Oh, he was definitely being sarcastic.
190
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,650
Aw, right, right, I see. I see.
191
00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:41,487
I didnae realise the sarcasm
was going to be so...so full-on, is all.
192
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,927
So I'll just take a step back
and I'll start again.
193
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,206
Aw, I widnae bother.
194
00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,363
You've got off tae
a really good start with the group.
195
00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:52,729
Naw, I'll start again.
My name's Scott and I'm a sarcasmaholic.
196
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,282
Naw! We thought
you were just here for the company.
197
00:09:56,360 --> 00:09:58,761
He's a sarcasmaholic, Stewart!
198
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,571
Really? What is he doing here?
199
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,611
Right, I'm just havin'
a wee bit o' trouble...
200
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:10,810
tellin' when people are being sarcastic
and when they're no'.
201
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,769
- Naw!
- Really?
202
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,080
Widnae have noticed.
203
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,447
Naw, I am. It's quite hard...
204
00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:21,122
Were yous being sarcastic there?
205
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,565
Naw!
206
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:24,369
No, seriously, were yous?
207
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:28,365
- Sarcastic? Us?
- Naw!
208
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:33,207
Right, fine. I tried to help myself,
gave Sarcasmaholics a chance,
209
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:35,851
but all I got was
a bunch of sarky comments
210
00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,969
wi' a bunch of sarcastic people,
so...I'm off.
211
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:41,168
Scott. Scott, please, come back.
212
00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:46,727
You have to realise that we're
a bunch of people with severe problems.
213
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,485
We cannae help ourselves.
214
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,369
Just like you cannae help yourself.
215
00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:55,490
That's why we need to help each other.
216
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:08,242
I mean, you seem like a decent guy,
217
00:11:08,320 --> 00:11:15,169
and I'm sure every person here really,
really wants you to join our group.
218
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:25,407
Was that sarcasm?
219
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:26,527
Naw!
220
00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:40,445
No way is that a penalty, you know
what I mean? No way is that a penalty!
221
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,363
That's a joke. That's a total joke!
222
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:46,001
- I cannae believe this, man.
- This better no' go in.
223
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:52,682
Dirty, cheatin'...
224
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,285
Unbelievable!
225
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:59,450
Can I use your toilet, mate?
Of course, Peter, man, of course.
226
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:18,846
What?
227
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,322
I'm getting a man's name...
228
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,647
Frunk?
229
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,609
Frink, perhaps?
230
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:33,130
It's Frunk.
Has anyone lost someone called Frunk?
231
00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:34,964
It's Frink.
232
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:37,281
Is he coming through to you?
233
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,966
No. He is speaking to me,
234
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,283
and it's Frunk...
235
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,203
Frank, sorry. Frank.
236
00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:47,521
His surname is coming through now...
237
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,843
Frank...Smath?
238
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:54,766
Does anyone have a Frank Smath
who has passed over?
239
00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,207
I'm getting Frank Smoth.
240
00:12:57,280 --> 00:13:01,649
It's Smath.
Can anyone take a Frank Smath?
241
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:05,251
Frank Smith, sorry. Frank Smith.
242
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:08,130
He's gone. He's gone.
243
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:09,929
A frustrated spirit.
244
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,561
I'm getting a woman recently passed.
245
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:15,881
Name beginning with an R...
246
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:19,090
Rebicco?
247
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:23,808
Has anyone lost a Rebicco?
248
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,565
Can someone open their heart
to a Rebicco?
249
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,246
I'm getting a Rebocci coming through.
250
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:31,891
- It's Rebicco.
- Rebocci.
251
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:34,247
Rebicco, OK? Rebicco!
252
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:39,923
Rebecca.
253
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,525
Sorry. Rebecca.
254
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:46,889
And she's gone.
Gone angrily into the mist.
255
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,485
Can anyone take any of these names?
256
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:52,925
Olexender?
257
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,571
Jecissa? Amm-Narie?
258
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:57,244
Stenaphie?
259
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,970
Archiblod?
260
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,805
- Sinom?
- Jothanan?
261
00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:05,930
Such furious aggressive souls.
262
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:10,528
Such vile, terrible language.
263
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:18,922
- Check these two wee birds.
- They're too young for us.
264
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,890
They're about 18. That's all right.
265
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,691
- That's the game.
- What?
266
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:27,206
- We're in our 30s.
- And what?
267
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:30,250
We're the age lassies o' 18 go for.
We've got money,
268
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:33,802
no' bad looks, status...
269
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,009
Aye, aye. But we've got nothin'
in common wi' 18-year-olds.
270
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,525
What would we talk aboot?
271
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,605
What?! Plenty!
We're not that old. 'Sake.
272
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:43,886
C'mon!
273
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:47,927
All right?
274
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,407
Hiya.
275
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,720
Whit yous up tae?
276
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:54,644
We're just havin' a drink
and then we're going tae a gig.
277
00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:56,563
Yous intae yer music?
278
00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:57,880
Aye, aye, so are we, man.
279
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:03,251
Bet yous are like us, eh? No' intae all
that mainstream pish? Kinda cuttin' edge.
280
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,290
Let me guess - Jamiroquai?
281
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:07,725
Who?
282
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:10,041
Jamiroquai. Jay Kay.
283
00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:13,924
Oh, God - him? Naw. What?!
284
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:16,162
Naw. They're ancient.
285
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,447
Let me have a wee guess, then.
286
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,210
What style of music ye intae?
287
00:15:21,280 --> 00:15:23,965
R'n'B, dance an' that.
288
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:26,807
Simply Red.
289
00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,087
Simply Red?! What?!
290
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,403
My da might be goin' to see them, maybe.
No' us.
291
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,960
So who are yous intae, then?
292
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:37,168
We're goin' to see Calvin Harris.
293
00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:39,891
- Kelvin Harris?
- Calvin.
294
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,123
- Calvin Harrison?
- Calvin Harris.
295
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,521
Oh, the fella...the young fella.
296
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:50,322
Aye. I think I mind him, aye.
Cannae mind any of his numbers, right enough.
297
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,084
Calvin Harris.
298
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:55,323
He's had loads of songs oot.
He done that one wi' Dizzee Rascal.
299
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,647
Dizzee Rascal?!
300
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,802
I think you mean Dizzy Gillespie, hen!
301
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:04,320
Look, what is it yous
are wantin' anyway?
302
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:10,491
We were wondering if you maybe
fancied a wee doner up oors after on?
303
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,528
Aye, we could maybe
get a wee fish supper
304
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,490
and have a wee jig tae the Al Jolson
on the wireless?
305
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:16,686
I don't think so.
306
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,603
What was that, hen?
307
00:16:18,680 --> 00:16:22,127
I said, I don't think so!
308
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:25,170
Right. OK, fair do's, young yin.
309
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,840
Right.
310
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:44,804
Coming soon
to BBC Burnistoun...
311
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:47,645
Policemen Who Sit
On Their Chairs Back To Front.
312
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,530
All right, McGoon.
313
00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:53,405
Ye want to get serious?
314
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:57,082
Let's get serious!
315
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:01,045
Sitting on their chairs
back to front..
316
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,408
Do you see that chair?
317
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,722
What way's it turned?
318
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,246
It's, er...back tae...
319
00:17:14,720 --> 00:17:16,449
it's back tae front.
320
00:17:16,520 --> 00:17:18,966
You start talkin',
321
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,611
or I start sittin' doon.
322
00:17:21,680 --> 00:17:22,761
Naw!
323
00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,001
So you know..
324
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:25,650
You think I'm going to say anything
325
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:28,690
to two muppets that sit on their chairs
the right way round?
326
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:36,407
It was Tam Murphy!
I'll testify, I'll testify!
327
00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,568
The shit just got real.
328
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:44,282
I love you, Jack,
but I know this is just fun to you.
329
00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:45,486
This won't ever matter to you.
330
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,162
This is all that matters tae me.
331
00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:04,844
Oh! Jack!
332
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:11,401
Policemen Who Sit
On Their Chairs Back To Front.
333
00:18:11,680 --> 00:18:14,490
You see thon Gary Crawford got done in?
334
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,085
I saw that, aye.
335
00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:18,162
That's a gangster's life for ye.
336
00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,288
True, true, aye.
337
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:24,809
Me and Gary, we used to be
auld drinkin' buddies back in the day.
338
00:18:25,840 --> 00:18:27,763
- Aye?
- Oh, aye.
339
00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,969
Regularly drank together. Regularly.
340
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,809
You know who's meant
to have done him, don't ye?
341
00:18:36,880 --> 00:18:38,166
Tam Sharpe.
342
00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:43,963
Aye. Ah, me and Tam were good drinkin'
buddies when we were about 18.
343
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,611
- Aye?
- Oh, aye.
344
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,524
That was before he was a gangster,
though, wasn't it?
345
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:50,681
No.
346
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,240
First time he stabbed a guy
was when he was 18.
347
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,688
I used to drink wi' that
first guy he stabbed, actually.
348
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,364
He was a gangster an' all.
349
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,363
I was there when he stabbed him.
350
00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:03,091
I was having a drink
wi' an old drinkin' buddy of mine.
351
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,605
Was he a gangster?
352
00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,369
Oh, aye.
353
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,206
All that crowd I was drinkin' wi' then
were all gangsters.
354
00:19:11,280 --> 00:19:15,046
See the guy, er, that owned the pub you
and all the gangsters were sittin' in
355
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:19,603
when Tam Sharpe that you used to drink wi'
stabbed the gangster I used to drink wi'?
356
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:21,170
Aye.
357
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:22,446
That was Johnny Thomas,
358
00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:25,524
right? Let me tell ye,
he was a bigger gangster
359
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,489
than all the rest of them put together.
360
00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:29,601
Probably was, aye.
361
00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,967
An' I used to drink wi' him.
362
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,963
Good drinkin' buddies, we were.
363
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,887
I was, er...I was drinking wi' him
when he got stabbed tae death.
364
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,560
He didnae get stabbed, mate.
He got shot.
365
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,808
Aye. Stabbed wi' bullets.
366
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,042
I mean, I was there.
367
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,886
I was drinkin' wi' the guy
that shot him, when he shot him.
368
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,760
He actually asked me to haud his pint
for a second and then he shot him.
369
00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,289
Well, see the guy he shot him for?
His boss?
370
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:01,361
Cleland, aye, aye.
371
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,209
I used to drink wi' him.
372
00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,648
I used to drink wi' him
and about 80 other big gangsters,
373
00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,246
who'd all be tellin' me
aboot their crimes,
374
00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:12,049
who they'd shot and everything.
375
00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,408
I was really, really close
tae all these gangsters
376
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,687
and I knew everything
aboot their gangster lives.
377
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,003
Well, see all the gangsters
you know, right?
378
00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:23,401
All the gangsters
you can think o' in your heid?
379
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,403
Right, imagine them the noo.
380
00:20:25,480 --> 00:20:28,131
- Right?
- Right.
381
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,929
I used to drink wi' all of them,
382
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:34,085
right, and aboot 100 other guys that were
even bigger gangsters than all of them.
383
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,208
Right, I was there for
all the shootings,
384
00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,886
I was haudin' all their pints,
I was hearin' all their secrets
385
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,930
and just generally being
a really good close pal
386
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:44,970
to all these amazin',
unforgettable gangsters.
387
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,123
Right, listen you, ya pair o' fannies.
388
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:52,444
Yous don't ken anybody, right?
Cos see if yous did,
389
00:20:52,520 --> 00:20:55,603
yous widnae be moothin' aff
aboot what they've done. Right?
390
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:59,480
Bummin' yersels up just by kiddin' on
that you're pals with gangsters?
391
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:01,847
Ya pair of pathetic bastards.
392
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,207
- Sor...
- Hey, shut yer mooths. Noo!
393
00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:06,362
Sor...sorry, mate.
394
00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:08,488
We're really, really sorry, man.
395
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,922
He's, er...he's actually
an old drinkin' buddy of mine.
396
00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:19,320
Aye?
397
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:20,890
I was having a drink wi' him
398
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,883
when he got shot tae death.
399
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,809
Listen, I am bursting. I'll be back
in a minute. Do not go anywhere.
400
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,927
Excuse me, pal,
where are the toilets in here?
401
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:35,650
The toilets are downstairs, sir.
402
00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:36,721
Cheers, man.
403
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,849
Looking for the toilets?
404
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:25,764
Flair up above.
405
00:22:35,680 --> 00:22:38,524
Right, gaffer, as you can see,
the digital edition
406
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,648
of the Burnistoun
Herald is ready.
407
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:41,846
I love it!
408
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:45,049
This is today's paper in digital form.
409
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:49,881
So what is that?
410
00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:52,088
- What is what?
- This.
411
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:55,925
That's the newspaper.
412
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,731
Right, I heard that. You said that.
413
00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:00,325
But what is that?
414
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:03,727
It's the newspaper. What do you mean?
415
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,121
Right, here's the newspaper, right?
416
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:08,282
What I'm askin' ye, son,
417
00:23:08,360 --> 00:23:10,601
is what is that in there?
418
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,290
It's...
419
00:23:15,920 --> 00:23:17,410
it's the newspaper, gaffer.
420
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:19,960
Son, this is the newspaper!
421
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:24,482
Aye, but that's the newspaper
in digital form.
422
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,689
Oh, right, that's like a picture
o' the newspaper, is that what ye mean?
423
00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:29,091
On a digital camera?
424
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,009
Naw... Kinda.
425
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:35,801
It's like a lot of pictures of all the
different pages of the newspaper, gaffer.
426
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:40,890
So yous took photies
o' all the newspaper's pages?
427
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,088
Kinda. Aye. I suppose.
428
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,801
You what?! What did you dae that for, when
you could have just bought a newspaper?
429
00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:51,044
Well, we havenae actually taken
photies of it, chief - it's kinda...
430
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:54,567
Chief... See when we print
the newspaper initially?
431
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,769
We print them off
using those photos on the screen.
432
00:23:57,840 --> 00:24:00,002
Those photos come first.
433
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:05,291
Wait a minute. So this newspaper is just
a print-oot of that newspaper in there?
434
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,361
Aye, boss. Sorta.
435
00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:13,082
Right. Right, right, I've got ye,
got ye now, got ye now, got ye now.
436
00:24:14,440 --> 00:24:16,329
So who made that newspaper?
437
00:24:16,400 --> 00:24:18,243
- We did!
- We did, chief.
438
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:19,560
We did, gaffer.
439
00:24:19,640 --> 00:24:22,610
So before we can print aff
using thae photies in there,
440
00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,684
we need to take photies
o' a newspaper that we've already made
441
00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:27,091
and use that to print off aff o'?
442
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,528
Kinda. Aye.
443
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,922
But surely that's a waste of time?
We've already made the newspaper.
444
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,286
Why do we need to take photies o' it
445
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,044
and put them on there
an' print aff using thae photies?
446
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,407
Why can we no' just use
that first newspaper?
447
00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:42,051
That's no' really...the point.
448
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:45,329
And...how did we even make
that first newspaper,
449
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,688
I mean the ones we take photies o'
in the first place? How did we dae that?
450
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:51,445
It's made inside the computer, gaffer.
451
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,888
Right... Aye, right, of course, aye.
452
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:55,927
By who?
453
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,411
By us.
454
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,643
And how do we get it
ontae the computer initially?
455
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:03,041
Well, we type in the stories, chief.
456
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:07,250
The photies o' things! How do we get
the photies o' things in there?
457
00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:09,800
We take the photies.
458
00:25:09,880 --> 00:25:14,124
Right, stop, stop. Back to the start.
Let me see if I've got this right here.
459
00:25:14,200 --> 00:25:17,204
We take photies o' things
and we write stories.
460
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:20,011
Noo that I understand, right,
cos I'm a newspaper man.
461
00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:22,811
And we put thae photies and stories
ontae the computer,
462
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:26,407
then we print them aff and we
assemble a newspaper oot o' them.
463
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,801
Then we take photies of that newspaper
and put them on there,
464
00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:30,006
then we print thae photies aff
465
00:25:30,080 --> 00:25:32,208
and we assemble another newspaper
oot o' thae photies
466
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:34,806
and then we take photies
of that newspaper and put them in there
467
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,848
and we print that newspaper oot,
and that's this wan.
468
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:40,003
And then we take photies of this
newspaper and put them in there,
469
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,765
and that, that, that
470
00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,446
is the digital edition
o' the Burnistoun Herald
471
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:46,760
Noo, have I got that straight?
472
00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,569
- Yes, chief.
- Yes, chief.
473
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,687
I love it!
474
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,731
You leave it wi' me, and I'll get it
on the streets oot to thae punters.
475
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:01,204
Burnistoun Herald!
476
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:10,931
So how come you're still in here, then?
477
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,321
I thought you'd be on
Top Of The Pops by now.
478
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:16,927
Aye, well, Top Of The Pops
isnae on any mair, Granda.
479
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,970
You know, I'm tryin' tae bring oot
an album, no' build a time machine.
480
00:26:20,040 --> 00:26:21,929
All right, doll? Sort us a G and T, eh?
481
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,729
Excuse me?
482
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,802
Made a mistake there, mate.
483
00:26:25,880 --> 00:26:27,450
What? A G and T, I said.
484
00:26:27,520 --> 00:26:29,602
Naw, what was that you called me?
485
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,689
- Och, I...cannae mind.
- Doll.
486
00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:34,444
Ye called her doll.
487
00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:37,091
You called me doll?
488
00:26:38,120 --> 00:26:40,009
- Did I?
- Ye did.
489
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,321
My sympathies, mate.
490
00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,004
How am I a doll?
491
00:26:44,080 --> 00:26:45,286
I meant in a good way.
492
00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:48,204
- Are dolls good-lookin', aye?
- Aye.
493
00:26:48,280 --> 00:26:51,602
Baby dolls? Wee baby dolls...
494
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,650
- you find them attractive?
- Naw. Naw. No' baby dolls.
495
00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:56,927
Naw, like a...like a Barbie doll.
496
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,331
- Beautiful.
- Barbie doll?
497
00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:00,050
Excuse me?
498
00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:02,930
Oh, my God, do you shag Barbie dolls?
499
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,731
- No.
- Sawney, I'm no' even sure. How wee
500
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,768
would yer willy need tae be
tae shag a Barbie doll?
501
00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:10,171
Aboot that.
502
00:27:10,240 --> 00:27:12,004
Aboot that.
503
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:13,491
Aboot the size o' a grain of rice.
504
00:27:13,560 --> 00:27:15,528
No' even long-grain rice - paella rice.
505
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:18,126
I don't dae anything wi' Barbie dolls.
506
00:27:18,200 --> 00:27:19,690
So you're no' attracted tae dolls?
507
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,047
So you're no goin' hame
an' burnin' rubber every night?
508
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,361
No, I'm no' attracted tae dolls!
509
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,330
Aw, God help ye, mate. God help ye!
510
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:30,210
- So, how am I a doll, then?
- Whit?!
511
00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:33,727
If you're no' attracted tae dolls,
right, how am I a doll, then?
512
00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:38,124
- No' a plastic doll. A real doll.
- A real doll?
513
00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,611
Excuse me?
514
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,968
Dae ye think dolls come tae life or somethin'?
Do you think it's like Bagpuss?
515
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:46,761
Whit? I don't even know what
Baggy Puss is.
516
00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,763
- I just want my drink...
- What did you just say?
517
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:50,604
He said Baggy Puss.
518
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:52,170
Baggy Puss?
519
00:27:52,240 --> 00:27:53,969
I don't know what Baggy Puss is.
520
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:57,044
Right? I've never seen it.
Can I just get my drink?
521
00:27:57,120 --> 00:27:58,167
Did he just say that again?
522
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,527
Twice he said it - Baggy Puss.
523
00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,284
Whit ye saying Baggy Puss for?
524
00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,010
I didn't... What's it called, then?
525
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:06,287
- Bagpuss!
- Bagpuss, then!
526
00:28:06,360 --> 00:28:08,249
Excuse me, that's no' what you said!
527
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:10,527
What he said was...Baggy Puss.
528
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:11,886
Why would you say that?
529
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:15,407
Unless when you walked in here,
you looked at me and you thought,
530
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:18,450
"She looks a bit baggy...
in the puss region."
531
00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:19,487
You know what I mean, Sawney?
532
00:28:19,560 --> 00:28:21,767
That's an angle you
could take on it, aye.
533
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:27,124
Obviously, I wasnae tryin' to say
that you had a slack...
534
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:29,009
You're barred!
535
00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:31,287
Well, thank Christ, ya mad banshee!
536
00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,249
Whit?
537
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:34,890
Whit?!
538
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,046
Whit did ye call me?
539
00:28:39,171 --> 00:28:44,471
540
00:28:44,521 --> 00:28:49,071
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